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compu-humor
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Wrap
Text File
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2007-02-04
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14KB
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535 lines
─IGITAL CIRCUITS ARE MADE FROM ANALOG PARTS.
╔S A COMPUTER LANGUAGE WITH GOTO'S TOTALLY ╫IRTH-LESS?
╚E WHO HESITATES IS LAST.
├HASTE MAKES WASTE.
┴N ENGINEER IS SOMEONE WHO DOES LIST PROCESSING IN ╞ORTRAN.
┴ CHICKEN IS AN EGG'S WAY OF PRODUCING MORE EGGS.
┴NY ╔├ PROTECTED BY A FAST ACTING FUSE WILL PROTECT THE FUSE BY
BLOWING FIRST.
╬EUTRINOS HAVE BAD BREADTH.
╨ROGRAMMERS GET OVERLAID.
╔N CASE OF INJURY NOTIFY YOUR SUPERIOR IMMEDIATELY
- ╚E'LL KISS IT AND MAKE IT BETTER!
╟╔╓┼: ╙UPPORT THE HELPLESS VICTIMS OF COMPUTER ERROR.
├HARLIE WAS A CHEMIST, BUT ├HARLIE IS NO MORE.
╫HAT ├HARLIE THOUGHT WAS ╚2╧ WAS ╚2╙╧4.
┬REEDING RABBITS IS A HARE RAISING EXPERIENCE.
╙HIFT TO THE LEFT, SHIFT TO THE RIGHT, MASK IN, MASK OUT,
┬┘╘┼, ┬┘╘┼, ┬┘╘┼ !!!
╨EOPLE WITH NARROW MINDS USUALLY HAVE BROAD TONGUES.
╞RICTION IS A DRAG.
╫HAT FOOLS THESE MORALS BE!
╫ERNHER VON ┬RAUN SETTLED FOR A ╓-2 WHEN HE COULDA HAD A ╓-8.
╠OVE ┴MERICA - OR GIVE IT BACK.
┘OUR PROGRAM IS SICK! ╙HOOT IT AND PUT IT OUT OF ITS MEMORY.
┬IOLOGY GROWS ON YOU.
┬LAME ╙AINT ┴NDREAS - ITS ALL HIS FAULT.
╔F PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT, AND NOBODY'S PERFECT, WHY PRACTICE?
┴ MOUSE IS AN ELEPHANT BUILT BY THE ╩APANESE.
╙ANTA'S ELVES ARE JUST A BUNCH OF SUBORDINATE ├LAUSES.
╟O CLIMB A GRAVITY WELL.
┴ MAN'S BEST FRIEND IS HIS DOGMA.
┴ PENNY SAVED IS RIDICULOUS.
╚EALTH IS MERELY THE SLOWEST POSSIBLE RATE AT WHICH ONE CAN DIE.
╔ DISAGREE WITH WHAT YOU SAY, BUT WILL DEFEND TO THE DEATH YOUR RIGHT
TO TELL SUCH ╠╔┼╙!
┼VERY INTERESTING PROGRAM HAS AT LEAST ONE VARIABLE, ONE BRANCH,
AND ONE LOOP.......... ┴ND AT LEAST ONE BUG!
╬O PROBLEM IS SO FORMIDABLE THAT YOU CAN'T JUST WALK AWAY FROM IT.
├HEMISTRY PROFESSORS NEVER DIE, THEY JUST SMELL THAT WAY!
╘HE PROBLEM WITH THE GENE POOL IS THAT THERE IS NO LIFEGUARD.
╙CHIZOPHRENIA BEATS BEING ALONE.
╘O ERR IS HUMAN, TO FORGIVE IS AGAINST COMPANY POLICY.
╔F YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO, DON'T DO IT HERE.
╨LEASE KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE SECRETARY'S REPRODUCING EQUIPMENT.
─OES THE NAME ╨AVLOV RING A BELL?
╔NVEST IN PHYSICS - OWN A PIECE OF ─IRAC!
╫E HAVE A EQUAL OPPORTUNITY ├ALCULUS CLASS -- IT'S FULLY INTEGRATED.
╦ISS ME TWICE. ╔'M SCHIZOPHRENIC.
╬EVER PLAY LEAPFROG WITH A UNICORN!
┴THEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
┴N ELEPHANT IS A MOUSE BUILT TO ═IL-SPEC.
╙OMEBODY'S TERMINAL IS DROPPING BITS.
╔ FOUND A PILE OF THEM OVER IN THE CORNER.
╔F IT WORKS, ─ON'T FIX IT.
┴LEX ╚ALEY WAS ADOPTED!
╚E WHO ALWAYS PLOWS A STRAIGHT FURROW IS IN A RUT.
╔NSOMNIA ISN'T ANYTHING TO LOSE SLEEP OVER.
╟RAVITY BRINGS ME DOWN.
╫HEN YOU'RE UP TO YOUR HIPS IN ALLIGATORS,
┘OU FORGET THE ORIGINAL PROJECT WAS TO DRAIN THE SWAMP.
┼VERYONE IS ENTITLED TO MY OPINION.
╚ELP STAMP OUT AND ABOLISH REDUNDANCY!
┬E A BETTER PSYCHIATRIST AND THE WORLD WILL BEAT
A PSYCHOPATH TO YOUR DOOR.
╚E WHO STEPS ON OTHERS TO REACH THE TOP HAS GOOD BALANCE.
╠AKE ┼RIE DIED FOR YOUR SINS.
╫HILE MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS,
IT CERTAINLY LETS YOU CHOOSE YOUR OWN FORM OF MISERY.
┘OU SCRATCH MY TAPE, AND ╔'LL SCRATCH YOURS.
╘HE COST OF FEATHERS HAS RISEN.... ╬OW EVEN DOWN IS UP!
╚E KEEPS DIFFERENTIATING.... FLYING OFF ON A TANGENT.
═AY ALL YOUR ╨╒╙╚ES BE ╨╧╨PED.
├╧╠┼'S ╠┴╫ - ╘HINLY SLICED CABBAGE.
─O MARRIED WOMEN MAKE THE BEST WIVES?
╘HREE CAN KEEP A SECRET, IF TWO ARE DEAD.
═ORFY'S LAW - ┼NYTHINK THIT KEN GO RONG WILLL.
═OUNT ╙T. ╚ELENS SHOULD HAVE USED EARTH CONTROL.
╘HEN THERE WAS THE ╞ORMOSAN BARTENDER NAMED ╘AIWAN-╧N.
╚E WHO LAUGHS LAST IS PROBABLY YOUR BOSS.
╧RCS REALLY AREN'T SO BAD
(IF YOU USE LOTS OF CATSUP).
╔T IS HARD TO FLY WITH THE EAGLES
╫HEN YOU WORK WITH THE TURKEYS.
┬ASIC IS A HIGH LEVEL LANGUISH.
╨RUNES GIVE YOU A RUN FOR YOUR MONEY.
─RILLING FOR OIL IS BORING.
┼AT PRUNE YOGURT FOR THAT "GET UP AND GO" FEELING.
═ORE PEOPLE HAVE DIED IN ╘EDDY ╦ENNEDY'S CAR THAN
IN NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS.
╘EACHERS HAVE CLASS.
╞OUND ON A DOOR IN THE ═╙╒ MUSIC BUILDING:
╘HIS DOOR IS BAROQUEN, PLEASE WIGGLE ╚ANDEL.
(╔F ╔ WIGGLE ╚ANDEL, WILL IT WIGGLE ┬ACH?)
╘HE SOLUTION OF THIS PROBLEM IS TRIVIAL AND IS LEFT AS AN EXERCISE
FOR THE READER.
╙OONER OR LATER YOU MUST PAY FOR YOUR SINS.
(╘HOSE WHO HAVE ALREADY PAID MAY DISREGARD THIS COOKIE).
├ONSTANTS AREN'T; VARIABLES DON'T.
┘OU AIN'T LEARNING NOTHING WHEN YOU'RE TALKING.
├HEMISTRY PROFESSORS NEVER DIE, THEY JUST FAIL TO REACT.
╥ADIOACTIVE CATS HAVE 18 HALF-LIVES.
─EPART IN PIECES.... I.E., ╙PLIT.
╬EXT TIME, GIVE "THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING": A FEMALE KITTEN.
═OBIUS STRIPPERS NEVER SHOW YOU THEIR BACK SIDE.
╫HERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S AN INHERITANCE TAX.
╦LEIN BOTTLE FOR RENT - INQUIRE WITHIN.
***
*******
*********
****** ├ONFUCIOUS SAY: "╔S STUFFY INSIDE FORTUNE COOKIE."
*******
***
├OMPUTER PROGRAMMERS NEVER DIE, THEY JUST GET LOST IN THE PROCESSING.
╬EUTRINOS ARE INTO PHYSICISTS.
╧N THE WALL OF THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM ON THE ┼NTERPRISE:
"╫HERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE"
├ELIBACY IS ╬╧╘ HEREDITARY.
╧UR HOUSEPLANTS HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUS.
╧N A CLEAR DISK YOU CAN SEEK FOREVER.
╨ROGRAMMING ─EPARTMENT: ═ISTAKES MADE WHILE YOU WAIT.
═ICROBIOLOGY ╠AB: ╙TAPH ╧NLY!
┼NTROPY ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE.
╬EUROSES ARE RED,
═ELANCHOLIA'S BLUE.
╔'M SCHIZOPHRENIC,
╫HAT ARE YOU?
╦EEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU STUPID;
╧PEN IT AND YOU REMOVE ALL DOUBT.
┼VERYONE HATES ME BECAUSE ╔'M PARANOID.
╫EEKEND, WHERE ARE YOU?
┴CID CONSUMES 47 TIMES ITS WEIGHT IN EXCESS REALITY.
╠╙─ MELTS YOUR MIND, NOT IN YOUR HAND.
╔NDIVIDUALISTS UNITE!
═ONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL WEALTH.
─ISCO IS TO MUSIC WHAT ┼TCH-┴-╙KETCH IS TO ART.
╘HE MOON MAY BE SMALLER THAN ┼ARTH, BUT IT'S FURTHER AWAY.
╥EMEMBER, THE FACT THAT YOU'RE PARANOID
DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE ╬╧╘ OUT TO GET YOU!
═EN HAVE MANY FAULTS,
╫OMEN ONLY TWO:
┼VERYTHING THEY SAY,
┴ND EVERYTHING THEY DO!
╚APPINESS IS TWIN FLOPPIES.
╚APPINESS IS A HARD DISK.
╘EAMWORK IS VITAL!
(╔T GIVES YOU SOMEONE TO BLAME.)
╦EEP ┴MERICA ┬EAUTIFUL.... EMIGRATE.
╔F ALL MEN WERE BROTHERS,
WOULD YOU LET ONE MARRY YOUR SISTER?
╔'M ALL FOR COMPUTER DATING,
┬UT ╔ WOULDN'T WANT ONE TO MARRY MY SISTER.
╔F YOU EAT YOGURT YOU'LL HAVE LOTS OF CULTURE.
┘OU CAN FOOL SOME OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME,
AND ALL OF THE PEOPLE SOME OF THE TIME,
BUT YOU CAN MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF ANYTIME.
╠ET US REMEMBER THAT OURS IS A NATION OF LAWYERS AND ORDER.
╨EOPLE WHO LIVE IN STONE HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW GLASSES.
╠AUGH AND THE WORLD THINKS YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
┴STRONAUTS ARE OUT TO LAUNCH.
╔F YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT, DOES THAT MEAN ┼UELLE ╟IBBONS
REALLY WAS A NUT?
┬E ALERT, ┴MERICA NEEDS MORE LERTS.
╩OSEPH ╙TALIN'S GRAVE WAS A ├OMMUNIST ╨LOT.
╘HERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A "╞AIL ╙AFE" DESIGN.
╬O AMOUNT OF CAREFUL PLANNING WILL EVER REPLACE DUMB LUCK.
╫INNING ISN'T EVERYTHING, BUT THEN LOSING IS NOTHING.
─ON'T ASK ME; ╔ WAS HIRED FOR MY LOOKS.
┼NGINEERS DO IT PRECISELY. ╘ECHNICIANS DO IT A LOT.
├OMPUTER ┼NGINEERS DO IT BIT BY BIT.
┴LL ╔ ASK FOR IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE THAT
MONEY DOESN'T BUY HAPPINESS.
╨OVERTY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL.
╔F ╔ WANT YOUR OPINION, ╔'LL ASK YOU TO FILL OUT THE NECESSARY FORM.
╘O EVERY RULE THERE IS AN EXCEPTION, AND VICE VERSA.
┴RCHAEOLOGISTS TAKE SEDIMENTAL JOURNEYS.
╥EMEMBER, THE PAPER IS ALWAYS STRONGEST AT THE PERFORATIONS.
┴ CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET.
╙MILE! ╔T MAKES PEOPLE WONDER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TO.
╙MILE! ╘HINGS CAN ONLY GET WORSE.
┴FTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE, USUALLY MORE IS SAID THAN DONE.
┴LL REQUESTS FOR SICK LEAVE MUST BE APPROVED TWO WEEKS IN ADVANCE.
╘HERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD:
╘HOSE THAT WANT TO ┬┼ SOMETHING,
AND THOSE THAT WANT TO ─╧ SOMETHING.
(╘HERE IS LESS COMPETITION IN THE SECOND CATEGORY.)
─ROP THE VASE AND IT WILL BECOME A ═ING OF THE PAST.
╓ICE ╓ERSA - POEMS ABOUT BROTHELS?
╟IVE A WOMAN AN INCH AND SHE'LL PARK A CAR IN IT.
╟IVE A SPECULATOR AN INCH AND HE'LL BUILD A CONDO.
╟ARGLING TWICE DAILY IS A GOOD WAY TO SEE IF YOUR NECK LEAKS.
╥UBBING HAIR RESTORER INTO YOUR SCALP IS A GOOD WAY
TO INSURE HAIRY FINGERS.
╨REVENTING BALDNESS IS SIMPLE. ╩UST KNOT YOUR HAIR FROM THE INSIDE.
┼VEN THOUGH ONE KEEPS HIS NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE, IT DOES NOT MEAN
THAT HE IS GOOD FOR ANYTHING BESIDES CUTTING BREAD WITH HIS NOSE.
╘HERE'S NO FUEL LIKE AN OLD FUEL.
╧LD BAKERS NEVER DIE, THEY JUST QUIT MAKING DOUGH.
╧LD DOUGHNUT MAKERS NEVER DIE,
THEY JUST GET TIRED OF THE WHOLE BUSINESS.
─ID YOU SAY YOUR UNCLE KICKED THE BUCKET?
╬O, HE JUST TURNED A LITTLE PAIL.
├HEMISTS HAVE SOLUTIONS.
╬OTE TO MOTHERS: WHEN DIAPERING YOUR BABIES, DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH.
╟EOMETER TURNED GENERAL - A SPHERELESS LEADER.
╧LD BAKERS NEVER DIE, YOU JUST CAN'T GET A RISE OUT OF THEM.
╚ASTY SCHIZOPHRENICS DO THINGS IN A LICKITY SPLIT WAY.
╙ADO-NECRO-BESTIALITY IS BEATING A DEAD HORSE.
╧LD ACCOUNTANTS NEVER DIE, THEY JUST LOSE THEIR BALANCE.
┴ LINGUIST THOUGHT IT A FARCE
╘HAT MEMORY SPACE WAS SO SPARSE.
╧NE DAY THEY INCREASED IT.
╙AID HE AS HE SEIZED IT:
"┴T LAST! ┼NOUGH CORE FOR THE PARSE".
├OMPUTER ACTORS WILL NEVER BE GREAT;
THEY ONLY GET BIT PARTS!
╔NDECISION IS THE BASIS OF FLEXIBILITY.
╫E ARE NOT PUNISHED FOR OUR SINS,
BUT BY THEM.
═IDDLE ┴GE:
╚ALFWAY BETWEEN ADOLESCENCE AND OBSOLESCENCE!
┴ ZYGOTE IS A GAMETE'S METHOD OF PRODUCING MORE GAMETES.
╘HIS MAY BE THE PURPOSE OF THE UNIVERSE.
╔F ╟OD HAD INTENDED MAN TO HAVE COMPUTERS,
HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM 16 FINGERS.
┴LL WORK AND NO PLAY,
WILL MAKE YOU A MANAGER.
╔F WE CAN'T FIX IT - ITS BROKEN!
╔S IT ╞RIDAY YET?
┼NGINEERS NEVER DIE -
╘HEY JUST LOSE THEIR TOLERANCE.
╘O DO IS TO BE. -- ╬IETZSCHE
╘O BE IS TO DO. -- ╦ANT
─O BE DO BE DO. -- ╙INATRA
╥OSES ARE RED;
╓IOLETS ARE BLUE.
╔'M SCHIZOPHRENIC,
┴ND SO AM ╔.
┘OU CAN NEVER GET RID OF A BAD TEMPER BY LOSING IT.
╫OULD THE LAST PERSON TO LEAVE ═ICHIGAN PLEASE TURN OUT THE LIGHTS?
─ID ═T. ╙T. ╚ELENS MAKE ╙EATTLE ╫ASH. ?
186,000 MPS: ╔T'S NOT JUST A GOOD IDEA -- ╔T'S THE LAW.
╔'M AN INFLUENTIAL PERSON - GRAVITATIONALLY SPEAKING.
╔F YOU KNEW WHAT ═ONA ╠ISA KNEW, YOU'D SMILE TOO.
╘HE ONLY WAY TO GET RID OF TEMPTATION IS TO YIELD TO IT.
╘HE ONLY THING WORSE THAN BEING TALKED ABOUT IS NOT BEING TALKED ABOUT.
═ARRIAGE IS ONE OF THE CHIEF CAUSES OF DIVORCE.
╔SRAEL'S ACTIONS ARE OFTEN ╙UEZ-CIDAL.
╬ICE COMPUTERS DON'T GO DOWN.
╘HE SHORTEST DISTANCE BETWEEN TWO POINTS IS USUALLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION.
╘O BE BORN RICH IS AN ACCIDENT; TO DIE RICH IS A MIRACLE.
├HICKEN FEED IS WHAT MOST OF OUR NEST EGGS HAVE TURNED INTO.
╬OTHING MAKES A POLITICIAN FORGET CAMPAIGN PROMISES FASTER
THAN BEING ELECTED.
┬EHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL MAN YOU'LL FIND A WOMAN WITH NOTHING TO WEAR.
╨ROSPERITY IS WHEN YOUR CONVERSATION CHANGES
FROM CAR POOLS TO SWIMMING POOLS.
╔N A FIGHT BETWEEN YOU AND THE WORLD, BACK THE WORLD.
╘HE PERFECT SECRETARY IS ONE WHO TYPES FAST AND RUNS SLOW.
┴ FOOL AND YOUR MONEY ARE SOON PARTNERS.
╫IN OR LOSE, YOU LOSE.
╠T. ╒HURA SAYS:"╙UBSPACE ├OMMUNICATIONS-
╔T'S THE NEXT BEST THING TO BEAMING THERE!"
╙YNTACTIC SUGAR CAUSES CANCER OF THE SEMI-COLONS;
┼VERY PROGRAM IS PART OF SOME OTHER PROGRAM AND RARELY FITS.
╔T IS EASIER TO WRITE AN INCORRECT PROGRAM THAN TO UNDERSTAND A CORRECT
ONE.
┼VERYTHING SHOULD BE BUILT TOP-DOWN, EXCEPT THE FIRST TIME.
┼VERY PROGRAM HAS (AT LEAST) TWO PURPOSES: THE ONE FOR WHICH
IT WAS WRITTEN AND ANOTHER FOR WHICH IT WASN'T.
╧NCE YOU UNDERSTAND HOW TO WRITE A PROGRAM GET SOMEONE ELSE TO WRITE IT.
╙TRUCTURED ╨ROGRAMMING SUPPORTS THE LAW OF THE EXCLUDED MUDDLE.
╘HERE ARE TWO WAYS TO WRITE ERROR-FREE PROGRAMS;
ONLY THE THIRD ONE WORKS.
╔N SOFTWARE SYSTEMS IT IS OFTEN THE EARLY BIRD THAT MAKES THE WORM.
╘HE BEST BOOK ON PROGRAMMING FOR THE LAYMAN IS "┴LICE IN ╫ONDERLAND";
BUT THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST BOOK ON ANYTHING FOR THE LAYMAN.
┴ ╠╔╙╨ PROGRAMMER KNOWS THE VALUE OF EVERYTHING,
BUT THE COST OF NOTHING.
┴N ADEQUATE BOOTSTRAP IS A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS.
╔F YOUR COMPUTER SPEAKS ┼NGLISH IT WAS PROBABLY MADE IN ╩APAN.
┴ YEAR SPENT IN ┴RTIFICIAL ╔NTELLIGENCE IS ENOUGH TO MAKE
ONE BELIEVE IN ╟OD.
╨ROLONGED CONTACT WITH COMPUTERS TURNS MATHEMATICIANS INTO
CLERKS AND VICE VERSA.
╔N COMPUTING, TURNING THE OBVIOUS INTO THE USEFUL IS A LIVING
DEFINITION OF THE WORD 'FRUSTRATION'.
╫E ARE ON THE VERGE: ╘ODAY OUR PROGRAM PROVED ╞ERMAT'S
NEXT-TO-LAST THEOREM!
╘HE COMPUTER IS THE ULTIMATE POLLUTER: ITS FECES ARE INDISTINGUISHABLE
FROM THE FOOD IT PRODUCES.
╘HE PROOF OF A SYSTEM'S VALUE IS ITS EXISTENCE.
╘HE DEBATE RAGES ON: ╔S ╨╠/╔ ┬ACHTRIAN OR ─ROMEDARY?
┼DITING IS A REWORDING ACTIVITY.
╫HY DID THE ╥OMAN ┼MPIRE COLLAPSE? ╫HAT'S THE ╠ATIN FOR OFFICE AUTOMATION?
├OMPUTER ╙CIENCE IS EMBARRASSED BY THE COMPUTER.
╔N SEEKING THE UNATTAINABLE, SIMPLICITY ONLY GETS IN THE WAY.
┼PIGRAMS ARE MACROS, SINCE THEY ARE EXECUTED AT READ TIME.
├╧┬╧╠ PROGRAMMERS UNDERSTAND WHY WOMEN HATE PERIODS.
┼CONOMICS IS CALLED THE DISMAL SCIENCE, BUT THAT'S JUST
BECAUSE MOST ECONOMISTS ARE DISMAL SCIENTISTS.
├RIME WOULDN'T PAY, IF THE GOVERNMENT RAN IT.
╙TREAKERS REPENT! ┘OUR END IS IN SIGHT.
╚OW CAN YOU TELL WHEN A ┬URROUGHS SALESMAN IS LYING?
╫HEN HIS LIPS MOVE.
╫E WILL RELEASE NO SOFTWARE BEFORE ITS TIME.